What do you do when your ex is charming and lovely and people genuinely like her? What do you do when you look back at old pictures and the two of you seem so happy? It is so hard to remember, to keep hold of, the reasons for leaving. How do you reach the point of forgiveness without losing focus and forgetting the pain? I am scared that if I forgive I will also forget. How can I let go without letting go of my clarity and resolve? How can I release resentment without releasing my will?
She looks so sweet, so open, so fun and kind and loving. I can see why people like her, and I can see why they are confused and hurt by my actions, but I can’t explain everything to everybody. I know she loved me with all of her heart to the best of her ability, and this might be the most tragic part of all. That being said, I know how actively and aggressively mean she could be to me. (How do I resolve that dichotomy?) I know how much she hurt me. I have to keep reminding myself of that because every time I lose sight of it, I want to contact her (and I do, sadly). Whenever I gloss it over and justify the abuse, I want to go back. I read the statistics that say it takes an average of 7 times for someone to try to leave their abuser. SEVEN. This is my second attempt. I am hoping to average out the person who has gone back 14 times.
My goal this week is to try to figure out how to release the resentment without releasing the resolve. How to feel regret and sorrow and compassion for her without wanting to go back to her. How to remember that the good and happy times happened at the same time as the awful times and that, no matter what I may think, the awful times would have continued to happen. We tried for years…nothing was going to magically happen to make the trying work now. And should you have to try that hard? I mean, honestly…should it be that much work? I know relationships take work but, my God…it was constant. I felt like we were always working through something. I get exhausted just thinking about it.
So this week is about letting go of resentment without letting go of resolve Forgiving without forgetting. Moving on instead of moving back in. Deep breaths…
cagesandkeys 